Y’all. I have a confession, and it might take me a while to build up to it, because it’s not something people just go around saying. Though, I’ll probably put it in the title. So, I guess, you, the person reading this, already know what I’m about to say. Here it goes:
I am a Magikarp
What is a Magicarp?
If you’ve never watched/read/played Pokemon before, you may not know what a magikarp is. Lucky you. A magikarp is pokemon that looks exactly like what a fish would look like if fish could watch Watership Down.
In the television series, it sometimes swims around, being all fish like.
In the games, Magikarp has attacks with names like splash and struggle. Oh, you heard me! Splash and struggle. No, these aren’t attacks every pokemon is saddled with. We’re talking about a series of games with attacks called COMET PUNCH and DRAGON RAGE and NEVER-ENDING NIGHTMARE. Yet, there’s a floppy fish that people are allowed to throw into battle, and that fish can only splash and struggle.
The Pokemon Fandom Wiki gives Magikarp glowing reviews calling it “utterly useless” and noting that it “struggles to swim against even the weakest of currents.” Yup, among this floppy fish’s enemies is…water.
Clearly, Magikarp is all around the best pokemon.
At first glance, you may think “well, Angela, you don’t look like a magikarp. You look more like a human or, like, a dorio who had a rough week.”
Thank you! You’re too kind, but I need you to understand that magikarp isn’t just an aesthetic, it’s a state of being.
Here are the clues that tipped me off.
You do NOT want to take me into battle. No pokemon trainer wants to take the splash attack master into battle. Magikarp can ruin everything for the whole team. They aren’t even picked last. They’re just told to stay home. Y’all even the US Federal government will not take me into battle. Yeah, those desperate people who go talk to MIDDLE SCHOOLERS took one look at my list of ailments and laughed in my face. The first branch of the military to laugh? The NAVY. Remember that whole water-is-the-enemy thing?
I think I’ve proved my point, but I’ll go on.
Candid photos are my enemies. Do you think magikarp actually has that mouth-open-eyes-wide look all of the time? Of course not. I’m sure they, you know, swallow food on occasion. Humans though, we’re always recording them with cameras to make our movies and our games. magikarp have no grace, and so, we only see them looking like complete idiots. I too photograph like a rabbit in headlights at a dog show. magikarp material.
I’m constantly expected to act natural in unnatural environments. In Pokeworld, magikarp pops out of pokeballs in restaurants, gyms, and desserts. Flop. Flop.
Born This Way
Now, you may say “hold on, it seems like you chose the magikarp life. This feels optional.”
The magikarp life chose me.
You see. At 8 pounds 13 onces, clearly over baked, my mother pushed me out 6 hours and 16 minutes into February 19th. Had I been born at a reasonable size a day or two before, I would’ve been born an Aquarius. Nope. I had to be born on the 19th, the first day of Pisces fun. Pisces, if you don’t know, is the fish pokemon of astrological signs. No, wait, not THE fish, two fish. Fish Fish. The Moon Moon of the fish.
You know who else is the Moon Moon of fish? Magikarp.
You’ll notice that I titled this article a confession. So far, I’ve written nothing that should be too concerning. My constant flopping around doesn’t affect anyone.
Here’s the thing though. I’m confessing in advance. Y’all, I’ve been working hard to stock up on power. I’ve been getting a killer education, writing like the wind, and building that portfolio. I’ve been saving up to treat all of my illnesses, and start a new life.
I’m getting real close to evolution, and this Gyrados is about to roar.
If you’re feeling your inner fish fish surfacing a bit too much these days, maybe you’re about to evolve too.