I Don’t Have a Script

I don’t have a script
There’s no piece of paper
that I can take out
and hand you
that can explain
that I’m not a robot.
I wish it were all written down somewhere
I wish it were written on my eyes.
So that when you looked at them
At their most glazed
You would see projected
The largest “I’m sorry”

It’s not me that changes
Me will always care
Has always cared
Cares right now
About so many things
That’s why Me isn’t touching you right now

I feel great right now
You are here right now
And I have the energy right now
But I won’t throw my head back
And laugh at your jokes
Or touch your hair
Or wink
Because tomorrow is no guarantee

I’ll feel great tomorrow
You’ll be here tomorrow
But I might not have the energy tomorrow
To say so much as “hello”
Because “hello” is hard
You have to open your jaw
And push air out of your lungs
And contort your face into a shape
That says something other than “help”
I can’t guarantee that

It still feels nice though
Having you in the room
Thinking about how nice it is
Having you in the room
It might even feel better
On the days when I don’t have the energy
Because there’s no guilt there
I’m showing you exactly what I can promise


On the days when I laugh
I think I set us both up for pain
I wish there was a script
I could hand you that says

“Dear, sir
You are one of the most
Incredible human beings I’ve met in my life.
I think so every day.
And today, I feel like I can give you
all of the attention in the world
and shower you with the appreciation
you one-hundred percent
deserve
you do deserve it
And, tomorrow,
When I wake up
I will still think that you are the most
Incredible human being that I have met in my life
I will still think that you deserve
All of the attention
A body could give you

But, tomorrow,
I may not have a body to give you
Hugs
Or laughter
Or looks stolen across the room
There will only be Me
Trapped inside this shell
Screaming
You are lovable
Someone loves you
It just isn’t this body”

Well
I guess there is a script now
And maybe I’ll hand it to you someday
But right now
I don’t have the energy
To ask you to sign up for failure
So, I’ll let you walk out of the room
Feeling unnoticed
Until someone who can steer their own ship
Sails  near yours

She better recognize
How incredible you are

***

Y’all I’m so thankful you’ve been reading this long! I fell off the writing wagon for a while. I was in several car accidents (non of them were my fault), and it has really taken time for me to get back up on my feet.

I am physically healed and emotionally…getting there.

While I work to get back into the writing groove, I’m challenging myself to post more free-verse poetry and get back to posting daily. I have a few prompts saved that I’m going to work with, but I’d be super excited if you dropped some fun prompts for me to try down in the comments.

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